


When Love Means Death

by Zoadgo



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Comfort, F/F, Inspired by the 2x09 preview, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 12:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3208976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoadgo/pseuds/Zoadgo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>She was mine.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Those words echo in Clarke’s head, long after Lexa leaves her by the smouldering remains of the fire. They follow her back to her camp, and whisper in her mind as they negotiate their peace and plan their war.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>She was mine.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	When Love Means Death

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [Kiedy miłość oznacza śmierć](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10227977) by [Julenenka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julenenka/pseuds/Julenenka)



_She was mine._

Those words echo in Clarke’s head, long after Lexa leaves her by the smouldering remains of the fire. They follow her back to her camp, and whisper in her mind as they negotiate their peace and plan their war.

_She was mine._

Wasn’t that just the way of the Earth for all of them? Love someone and they will die. Clarke had loved Finn and had to kill him with her own hands. No one was safe from the corruption that spread through the vibrant forest, and even less safe if they dared to come close to those cursed with power. 

Clarke understands why Lexa would stop caring. God, it would be so much easier to do so. To just… shut down, to ignore the world and save everyone around her by pushing them away. She wants to do it, tries to ignore Bellamy when he comes by to discuss plans, tries to avoid her mother when she wants to reconnect with Clarke. But the more Clarke has to stand on her own, the more she stumbles.

And so she finds herself in the Grounder camp one night. None of the sentries challenge her, open passage was one of the rights they had bargained for. The Grounders had laid aside their weapons and Camp Jaha had opened its gate. There had been a few minor conflicts, but now everyone coexisted, for the most part. Some people even interacted with the other groups by choice.

She knows the way to Lexa’s tent, a smaller and more plain one than the shelter that Clarke had originally been received in. One would never guess that it belonged to the most important person in the camp, and Clarke guesses that that’s the whole purpose of it. She stands outside in the growing night for what seems like a long time, asking herself why she’s here, and what she thinks Lexa can offer her.

It’s only a few seconds that she stands there, actually, and then Clarke knocks on the tent post, entering on invitation from the woman inside. The chill air is immediately cut out when Clarke lets the animal skins fall shut behind her, and she finds cold hands warming happily in the presence of the small, contained fire in the middle of the room. Lexa is lounging on her bed, a massive pile of furs that are rumored to have come solely from beasts she had slain with her bare hands, a map spread out in front of her.

“Clarke. What are you doing here?” She doesn’t seem upset, just serious, as always. Why is Clarke here? It’s a good question, and one she probably should have thought of the answer to prior to this moment.

“Is anyone safe around us?” She’s not sure why that’s the question that she asks, but it feels right. Clarke feels lost without her friends, her family. But she can’t risk them dying too, just because someone might think it would hurt her. And it would, it would absolutely destroy her.

Lexa sighs and rolls up the map carefully, setting it aside and shifting to clear room on the bed. She pats the furs next to her, inviting Clarke to sit. She’s tempted to remain standing, but Clarke’s so tired these days, so she walks over and seats herself slowly. She’s expecting another lecture, some Grounder wisdom about weakness and strength, but Lexa almost seems to soften at the question, a hint of sadness entering her expression rather than her standard anger.

“No.” It’s just one word, but it still hurts Clarke like a blow. She’d know that would be the answer, and that Lexa wouldn’t sugar coat it, but still, she wished it wasn’t. Lexa places a hand on Clarke’s knee, a small gesture of physical comfort that somehow means the world to Clarke, more than any of the tearful hugs and embraces had. “No one will ever be truly safe. But that doesn’t mean we have to be alone.”

“How?” Clarke’s voice is choked at the concept of spending the rest of her life alone, without anyone helping her. She knows she can do, and she will, but it will destroy her long before she dies.

“Love will ruin us.” Of course it would, but that doesn’t stop Clarke from wanting what her parents had, what so many of the delinquents have sought out in each other. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t trust and value people. Let people help you, but do not allow them to become a part of you.”

“It still sounds so lonely.” Clarke mumbles. She doesn’t know why she’s able to open up to the Grounder Commander like this when she’s unable to even talk to most of her own people. Maybe it’s because Lexa can understand what Clarke’s going through, or maybe it’s because Clarke doesn’t feel that she has to be strong around the woman. Lexa’s strong enough for the both of them.

“It is. Commanding an army and leading your people to prosperity will never be easy. When your people are flourishing, you struggle to push them even higher. When they fail, you fall beneath them. But we have to do these things, because we are the only ones who can.” Clarke knows Lexa isn’t that much older than her, yet she has so much more experience. She’s left wondering how old the other woman was when she received her command, how old she was when her lover was tortured simply because she was close to Lexa.

“So you’ve never tried to find someone to share that burden with?”

“Not since Costia. You know better than any, Clarke, that we cannot truly protect anyone.” Clarke feels more alone than ever, a dark void opening within her heart and threatening to swallow her whole. But there’s one thing stopping it, a simple touch, a hand on her knee.

“What if it was someone who could protect themselves?” Clarke is among the safest in the Camp. Guards would lay down their lives for her, and Delinquents would do unmentionable things at her asking. Lexa has an army at her disposal. 

“No one can ever truly protect themselves.” 

“But we come close, right?” Lexa turns to look at Clarke, and it strikes her that this is the first time she’s seen the commander without her war paint on. Her eyes are beautiful.

“What are you trying to say, Clarke?”

And Clarke can’t articulate it, can’t find the words within her at that moments. But she finds the strength to move, to place her own hand over Lexa’s and lean forward. Lexa’s lips are soft, if slightly chapped, against hers. She’s still for a moment, and then she reaches up with her free hand, brushing Clarke’s hair over her shoulder and curling her fingers around the back of her neck gently. It’s a slow kiss, testing and comforting, and Lexa is the first to pull away.

“You know I can never love you, right?” And Clarke knows. Neither of them will ever say the words again. But she nods her head with a sad smile.

“But we don’t have to be alone.” 

As their lips meet again, Clarke wonders if maybe she’s wrong. Maybe one day, those words won’t hurt so much. And even if not, at least she can stand again.

**Author's Note:**

> YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW PUMPED I AM FOR CANON QUEER LEXA. SO PUMPED THAT I WROTE THIS BEFORE WORK. *ahem* Yes, well, this is a thing that happened. Thanks to [coldsaturn](http://coldsaturn.tumblr.com) for the edit, and yes, I changed the title
> 
> If you guys are interested, I spent the last few days writing mini fics [on tumblr!](http://jonnmurphy.tumblr.com) As always, thanks for commenting/viewing/leaving kudos


End file.
